What Are You Thinking?
by Rachel540
Summary: A story centered around the episode "Savior." What Alex and Olivia are really thinking during this difficult case. Lame summary, I know.


**I do not own these characters, NBC and Dick Wolf do.**

**This story takes place during "Savior."**

**So, this is my first fanfic, so I welcome any and all feedback. I was nervous about the POV format but saw others use it and it worked. I hope mine does, too.**

Alex:

I like Elliot Stabler and there are times that I can even say I have a deep affection for him. It's hard not to; he is handsome, loyal and passionate about his work. Yes, he has pushed the boundaries at times but who hasn't for reasons both noble and unjust. Today however, my affection for him waned when I saw the look on his face as I entered the squad room. In an instant, I knew what it was about and if I didn't, I would have with the wounded look I saw on Olivia's face. My instinct told me to stop him and kick him in the nuts, what I did was to glare at him and then focus all of my attention on her.

"Let me guess, the baby," is all I could manage to say at that moment, my voice trailing slightly at the end.

You could cut the air with a knife and Olivia looked like she always did after Elliot used the "father card" on her. I despised when he did that to her. It left her bruised in a spot he knew existed and yet, continued to rub from time to time. I stayed still where I stopped because what I wanted to do most of all was walk over to her and hold her. Just simply wrap my arms around her, keep her close to me and hold her until everything else faded away. She said they weren't "seeing eye to eye" and the weight of her words brought me back to the reality of being far apart both in distance at that moment and in emotion. I had been back in NYC and my old job nearly a year and even though we had started to see each other again, it still felt like we were worlds away from the couple we used to be. I think she tried to move on when I left and I know I did as well, but thoughts of her never left me. Two years into being gone I realized I wasn't over her and then slowly I realized I might never be. Olivia and I always drifted back and forth to each other like tides, desperately trying to reach further and further to the shore only to inevitably fall back; that was the way it felt to me anyway. There were many times when it felt like things might come together for us, but something always got in the way. I found myself lost in these thoughts when I heard her softly say, "Alex?"

I shook away my thoughts, "Yes?"

"Are you OK?"

"I am. I am sorry you two had words. I know how that…" and my voice faded while my gaze remained fixed. Olivia smiled at me with a sweet look of acknowledgment for what she knew I was going say.

"Is there anything I can do?" I said.

By now, Olivia had stopped what she was doing and stood still to return my gaze, her fingertips steadying her against her desk. She looked worried and worn but all I could take in was how beautiful she was standing there. She looked like she wanted to say something more but instead she said, "You can take me to dinner." She seemed just as surprised saying it as I was to hear it.

I gave her a half smile and said, "I'm ready when you are."

Olivia:

He is doing it again. Damn it, Elliot! He is talking to me about the case and rubbing it in about his differing perspective because he is a father. I hate when he does this, I hate it more than anything. We know each other so well and you would think that there were millions of things that bugged me about him but this, this is the one that cuts me to the core and he knows it. So why, why does he continue to use his parental status like a weapon at times? I don't understand and in these moments, I just want to hate him but I can't. Over the years I have learned to love Elliot like family, only a family I have never known. We grew together as partners, and as people, and then as family but just because you love the whole person, doesn't mean you like everything about them. I love Elliot Stabler but right now, I can't stand him.

I do everything in my power not to react to his last statement about "God's will" when I see Alex. I instantly soften as I see her measuring the temperature of the room; it's one of the things I admire most about her. She just gave him this look, this, "Please tell me you didn't just fuck with her" look and then she turned to me and my defenses immediately dropped. Her face softened; as did her voice and she took me into her gaze as if she wanted me into her arms. I don't often allow anyone to see me vulnerable but I can't help it with her for some reason. I am a strong person but with Alex, I let myself feel more than I ever have because she is there to protect me if I ask and sometimes, like now, even when I don't.

"Let me guess, the baby," she says and her eyes remain on me, waiting for the answer she already knows. I want to let the tears well. I want to walk over to her and rest my head on her shoulder and let her speak softly to me. I want to give myself over to her because right now, I can't think of anything else but that tiny baby, suffering with only the smallest chance of survival. I stay where I am, though, shuffling files and say something about "not seeing eye to eye" and I know she sees through me.

We have been dating again over the last few months and I know I have been distant. I want so much to tell her that I am in love with her, that I have always been in love with her no matter how much time or distance had separated us. I am scared, though, so I say nothing at all and I know this hurts her more. What if something else happens and she leaves again? What if we can't get rid of these impossible obstacles that seem to follow us? What if she leaves ….. That thought shakes me to the present and I see her standing there, lost in thought, and I ask if she is OK.

"I am," she says. "I am sorry you two had words…" she trails off and I see something on her face that makes me stop what I am doing. I put everything down to start to go to her but stop myself at the end of my desk and rest my body against it because I suddenly remember where we are.

"Is there anything I can do?" she asks. I stare at her and waves of emotion take over and all I can think about is being alone with her and breathing her in. I become so overwhelmed with my feelings that I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. "You can take me to dinner." What I wanted to say was, "Let me take you home and tell you everything you need to know before it is too late." I feel like an idiot. I smile to cover my inept attempt at telling her how I feel and surprisingly, she gives me a half smile and says, "I'm ready when you are."

I grab my coat and we walk to the elevator as we exchange brief snippets about our days. We get into her car and I can barely breathe. The weight of what I have wasted far too long to say is heavy on my chest. I slide in and feel things bubbling up inside I might not be able to control. I take a deep breath as Alex is settling in and I thank God she hasn't noticed that I am about to implode.

She turns to me and says: "Where can I take you, Detective?" God, I love the sound of that voice. Her tone is silky and can either calm or excite me at any given moment, of any given day. I am trying to gather my thoughts but all I can hear is the pounding in my chest. I look at her and the tears begin to surface. I see her brow furrow and confusion on her face, like she understands what this is about but senses something else, too. I lift my hand to her face and gently caress her cheek. I can't help but want to touch her.

"Alex, I…" I get choked up and lose my nerve. I am terrified but I know if I don't say something now, it could be the biggest mistake of my life.

"Liv, what is it? Is this about Elliot because..." I don't let her finish. I move my fingertips to her lips and touch them silent. She catches her breath and sits back to watch me.

I take a deep breath and slowly say, "I am in love with you, Alexandra Cabot. I have been for as long as I can remember. I know I haven't been acting like it lately but frankly, I am scared to death. I am scared of loving you so completely. I am scared that all I want to do is share every part of my life with you. I am scared something will happen and you will leave again, or worse, we will drift apart never knowing how good we could be together. I am sorry I let the silence nearly come between us since you have been back, but I want to tell you now that I love you more than I ever thought I could and I don't want to waste another minute."

She stares at me in disbelief while words are still hanging in the air. I could see her trying to form something to say but nothing was coming out. I felt like I wanted to throw up; never before had I been so bold with my feelings but never before have I been in love like this. Keeping a guard on my heart had been the one constant in my life but she was worth the risk, she was worth the intense vulnerability I felt during those screaming minutes of silence.

I look down for a minute to let the tears clear my eyes and look back up to see fresh pools in hers. Those beautiful blue eyes were searching my face, searching to see if this was somehow a dream. Finally she squeaked, "So, your place then?" She looked at me, with a worried look that it might be too soon for her usual sarcastic response but to the contrary, it was exactly what we needed to break the silence . We laughed and I reached back over to her tear stained skin and wiped a tear from her cheek and whispered, "Perfect." She grabbed my hand before I took it back and lightly kissed it and then pressed it softly to her face. She took a deep breath with her eyes closed, like she was capturing this moment in her mind. She opened her eyes and smiled softly at me. She then started the car and drove straight to my place.

Olivia:

As we are driving, I can feel everything just drain from me. All of the events from this case and what I had just said to, Alex, seemed to have built up so much that it felt like I purged it all and then just shut down. As we parked the car and made the familiar walk to my apartment like we had done so many times before, I was afraid my legs were going to give out. My whole body felt weak and I started to feel lightheaded. I found my hands lightly shaking as I tried to open the door. Alex had taken stolen glances at me all the way home and studied my face as we took the elevator to my floor, so this didn't seem to surprise her. She knew me so well that it was almost as if she was expecting this and gently put her hand on top of mine and took my keys and opened the door.

When inside, she closed the door quietly and put my keys in the bowl I kept them in by the door. She took off her coat and kicked off her shoes. I stood with my back to her in the darkness of my place and couldn't even think of what to do. She placed her hands on my shoulders and lightly spun me around to face her. She caressed my face and gave me a look of worry. She put her hands under my jacket up by my shoulders and pushed my coat off until it left my hands and then placed it next to hers on the coat rack. She turned back around to face me and by then, I had finally figured out what to do as I looked into the shadowy face and those beautiful blue eyes; I fell into her arms and sobbed into the crook of her neck.

Alex:

In my head, in this tender moment, I am still reeling from what Olivia said in the car. Not more than twenty minutes ago she told me exactly how she felt about me. After I had come back to NYC, I had resigned myself to the thought that I might never hear what was in Olivia's heart about the two of us without pushing the issue, which I promised myself I wouldn't do after all I had put her through. I savored every word she said from, "I am in love with you, Alexandra Cabot." It felt like it was a dream but when she touched my face, she made it real. I couldn't help but make light of the moment because I know she has been overwhelmed from this awful case and I saw that in her face, along with so much more back at the precinct. Olivia can handle anything, absolutely anything that comes her way but like everyone, she has her breaking point. I have only seen this once before in her, but I recognized the signs as we drove home. Thoughts of what it must have been like after I was shot and then sent into Witness Protection grabbed me and shook me to the core. I couldn't imagine not being there for her during that time. I had hoped she told someone how she felt; Elliot, or maybe even Warner. But knowing Liv the way I do, she might have kept it to herself after she knew I wasn't dead and the thought of her being so alone made me want to cry out. I didn't dare because in this moment, I didn't want to take anything away from her. I want her to cry this out after she purged herself of what had been inside for God knows how long. I want to stay present in these moments with her to let her know that I am here… and I always will be.

She is starting to shake and I turn her body to the right so that I might get her to walk to the couch. She seemed so unsteady when we got out of the elevator and I want her to sit before her knees buckle. We make it across the room and then I lower us both down as she buries herself further into my shoulder and continues to cry. I hold her as close as I can and slowly feel my right shoulder warm and wet with tears.

I have no idea how much time has passed but it is dark outside and there is stillness in the room. Olivia has stopped crying and is so quiet, that I hope she has cried herself to sleep. I readjust my head to rest near her temple and kiss it lightly to see if she responds; she doesn't. I am relieved because she needs to rest after all that has happened over the last few days. I gently move away from her in hopes I can lay her down so that she may sleep through the night. I manage to do this with ease and then cover her with a blanket and sit next to her on the floor for a little longer, resting my hand on hers. I stare at her and am lost in thought about how much I am in love with her, too, and how I wish I had come back to her sooner but there is no looking back now, only forward.

My eyes start to get heavy, so I grab a pillow from the other end of the couch and another blanket and lay down on the floor so I can be close in case she wakes up. I must have fallen right to sleep because I wake up hearing:

"Alex? ALEX!" Before I could get up off the floor, Olivia was practically screaming. I sit up and put my hand on her face, "Liv, I am right here. Here I am. It's OK."

She is breathing hard and looks confused for a minute then says, "I didn't remember getting to the couch or falling asleep but I remembered you were here. I was afraid you'd left."

"No honey. We walked to the couch and you fell asleep on my shoulder. I laid you down in hopes you'd sleep better. I wasn't going to leave you tonight, not for anything."

At first her face seems almost blank but then it feels like she is staring into me. Her breathing is becoming more normal and slowly her face softens as I start to see a little hint of Olivia coming back. She gives me a soft smile as she studies my face and asks, "How did you know?"

"Know what, Sweetie?"

"How did you know I was going to break tonight?" says Detective Benson. Her tone and question let me know she really is coming back to me now.

"I saw it on your face when I entered the squad room. It seemed like a million things were happening to you at once and there was just something that gave it away for me. I can't explain it. Plus, I know this case has eaten you up since the baby was born with so many complications."

Olivia is staring at my face. She reaches up to caress my cheek and her eyes brim with tears. I start to apologize for upsetting her again and she shakes her head. I go silent to let her speak:

"You really love me, don't you?" She says, through choked words.

I hesitate then say in disbelief of the question, "Of course I do, Olivia. I love you so much."

"I was afraid," she said. "I was afraid you didn't when you came back. You had been free for three years and I hadn't heard from you, not even when I called. I was afraid that you had moved on, that you didn't still have feelings for me. When you came back and we found our way to each other again, I still wasn't sure you really loved me. I wondered if you were just falling back into our routine because you needed to find yourself again. That's why I have been so distant. I wasn't sure and I was scared to let you back in to find out the answer. I am sorry, Alex. I am so sorry." She starts to cry again.

I let her cry into my chest, while silent tears fall from my eyes. I kiss the top of her head and rub her back to calm her so that I can tell her what I have held so close to my heart all these years.

Her cries soften and I find her chin and lift her face to mine. I wipe away her tears and begin:

"I never stopped loving you, Olivia. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about you, yearn for you, cry for you. There were days it was unbearable and I felt so lost and alone. Being in Witness Protection nearly broke me and the only thing that helped me get through was the thought that one day, I would come home to you. When I got to see you for the Connors trial, it was what helped me make it to the end. When I was freed, I felt frozen, though. I wanted to come back but all that time I had to pretend to be someone else made me forgot how to be me. When you called, I was afraid that you would hear that it wasn't really me on the other end and that you would eventually walk away because I wasn't the person you once knew or loved. So I stayed silent and hoped that I would find myself again and that you would still be here waiting. It was so stupid and cruel but I wanted to come back to you, I wanted Alex Cabot to come back to you and not some shell of a person who took her place. I am so sorry, Olivia. I never meant for you to think I stopped loving you. I could never do that, Liv. Never." I said those last words with a strained voice, nearly whispering.

I start to cry now and it is, Olivia's, turn to comfort me. She wraps her arms around me and holds me so close that I can barely breathe but it feels more comforting than constricting. Since I have been back, we have never spoken about the way I felt in Witness Protection, only about the logistics. I think this stemmed from the hurt she felt about the man I was seeing in Wisconsin. She never asked any more about it and I never wanted to bring it up again seeing the hurt in her eyes the first time. That was truly another lifetime ago and I wanted to be Alex Cabot again, not look back at Emily or Sarah. They weren't me, I wasn't them. I am here again, back where I belong, back with the woman that loves me….completely. The thought makes me cry even harder.

Olivia:

"I love you so much, Alex." I whisper as she cries into my shoulder. I hold her so tightly that I can feel my muscles almost strain. I want her so close to me that I can hardly breathe. I had no idea that she felt this way. I could never begin to fathom how hard it was for her in Witness Protection. She mentioned it during the Connors trial but I was so wrapped up in the fact that she was dating someone that I think I missed the point of her story. I feel like a jerk for practically punishing her this whole time she has been back. I didn't mean to do it; I was angry and confused. I can't believe she never stopped loving me, either. "I am so stupid," I heard myself say; still thinking I was in my own head. She looks up at me and places her hand on the side of my face.

"You are not. You were hurting and I didn't help by being silent, either. I was scared, too, Liv, just for different reasons. I never wanted to hurt you with that story but only give you a glimpse into the lie I had to live." Alex pauses and says, "If we are going to work, really work this time, no more silence. No more waiting to say what is in our hearts. OK?"

"OK," I say, my lips curving into a smile." This is really happening… this isn't a dream, right?"

"No, my love, this is no dream." She says and softly kisses my lips.

After a long moment, I stand and pull, Alex, from the floor into my arms. I just want to feel her close to me and make this real. I am finally breathing her in and holding her close to me, with nothing hiding beneath the surface. It is the first real moment we have shared in over 5 years and I feel at peace. She slowly pulls away from me and leads me to the bedroom. She begins to take our clothes off and strips us down to our underwear and then turns the bed down. She reaches for my hand and pulls me close to her and kisses me once more and holds me so tight, I can feel her heart beating in my chest. She caresses my face and says in a whisper, "Come and let me hold you." I nearly melt and quickly comply and within seconds, I am wrapped in her embrace and all I can feel is the warmth from her body and it is bliss.

Alex:

I am laying next to the woman I love, only this time, there is finally no pretense. There is no dancing around feelings, no anger concealed and no hurt unexpressed. There is nothing between us but a small bit of clothing and the raw emotions of completely loving another person. I am so content in this moment of loving, Olivia, and feeling her close to me, that I close my eyes for just a second and find myself drifting off to sleep.

I am startled by her phone waking us both up at 3:03 a.m. It is the hospital and there is an emergency and they need her to make a decision now. She can't even think straight and tells them she is on her way. We dress quickly and she drives us to the hospital in my car and we are there within minutes. They are asking her what to do and I see her face lock up in indecision and fear. I can almost feel her thoughts racing about what she and, Elliot, talked about earlier; do you try and save the baby no matter what the cost, or do you consider the quality of life? By the time she is ready to answer, a Dr. appears and says it is too late. Olivia is motionless for a long moment while the staff explains what happened and that there was little chance of survival no matter what the answer. They give their condolences and Olivia looks to a nurse with pain in her eyes and asks if she can see the baby and hold her. "Of course. Please come with me." Olivia starts to walk away but quickly turns to me and says, "Alex, please…." Her eyes are pleading. I catch up to her and grab her hand and walk into the still room with her. I watch as the nurse lays the baby in her arms. I fight the tears and swallow hard at this agonizing moment. Olivia looks up at me and asks me to sit next to her. I do and I rest a hand on her arm and wrap the other one around her, hoping that the feeling we shared from the bed returns to soothe her. We stay this way until the nurse returns and they begin the routine of preparing the body for transport to the morgue.

Olivia is escorted out of the room to fill out paperwork and I take a seat outside the door and rest my head in my hands. My head feels as heavy as my heart. The images of that tiny baby in Olivia's strong hands make the tears I fought to hold back fall and my throat sting. I am lost in these dark images when I feel a hand on my shoulder and a body crouching down to face me. It is Olivia. She reaches up and wipes the tears from my face and pushes stray hairs away. She leans in and kisses my cheek and says, "I couldn't have done this without you, Alex. Thank you." Those last few words are choked out and she leans into me and cries softly for a moment. I put my arms around her and pull her to me and whisper, "Let me take you home, my love. We will take care of everything after you rest. "

She leans back and says, "You'll help me?"

"Always." I say, stroking her beautiful face.

She smiles softly and starts to stand and pulls me up with her. I keep hold of one of her hands and we leave the hospital with both profound sadness and… hope.


End file.
